In the mood of hurting happens to us all.
"But let's use our umbrella!"
"Experience is not what happens to a man (woman or child).
It is what a man does with what happens to him."
Aldous Huxley

As the old expression says, "been there and done that." So may I share with you a little about what I've learned about hurting and handling it? And since you've already read this far, you might as well go all the way. We'll talk about kinds of hurts and what they can do, and what we can do. And then we'll continue on our way feeling a little better and perhaps even better armed to fight the hurt attacks. If you're in the middle of one of those really tough attacks, keep this in mind; the one certainty of life is change. Things do pass; we do come through.

Interestingly, the first criteria for hurting is we must decide to be hurt! And too often, we let the decision be made for us. Yes, certain things in life, when they happen do hurt, no matter what we decide; like the loss of a loved one through death or divorce, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of a friend through misunderstanding or just plain stupidity, or also, the ever-present standby, any form of perceived rejection — and the list goes on. Just fill in the ones you're working with today. And by the way, we have some pretty good suppression mechanisms that often kick in. Do a little inventory. I've discovered it's better to get it out in the open and deal with it and be done with it whenever possible.

Rather than going into all the psychological intricacies of emotional hurting, let's jump to the bottom lines (one course in psychology does not make one a trained psychologist, but life is one helluva teacher isn't it).

You know, the first step in solving a problem is effectively defining the problem! And hurting is definitely a problem! So how do you define hurting? Interesting question isn't it. Better yet, what are the results of hurting? AHA! Now comes the meat of the matter. As important as the subject of emotional pain is, much more important is what are the results. They can be devastating, if we let them. IF WE LET THEM.

What ever is tearing you up is not nearly as damaging or devastating as what can happen to you if you let it take control of you. So don't let it! Easy to say, challenging to do. But well worthwhile!

WOW, you're still reading, and my keyboard is still responding! So, let's keep walking together a little farther.

OK, here's the nut taken out of the shell. The most active element working in the situations where we feel emotional pain is self pity!!! Once we can honestly and coldly come to grips with that simple fact, the road to recovery is open to us. Yes, in the case of having lost a loved one, there is the inevitable grieving process. (As a little aside, someone once shared with me, after having lost a loved one, about the museum of our heart. Place those whom you loved in that museum. You consciously visit them periodically, but don't stay too long. If properly used, this technique really works.) But it's just too easy to transfer the grief and hurt to self pity. We've all been there and done that. The trick is to recognize it and deal with it. I can remember going so far as talking to self pity as an entity. I said things like; "Self pity, get away from me, I want no part of you!" Amazingly, it worked! Without that nasty ingredient, the necessary processes can take their course and we can travel the road to freedom. Too many times, we don't fight self pity and all the negative things happen; bitterness, anger, and even the resultant physical and emotional damages can occur.

While we're talking about the hardest hurt hits, like losing a loved one, it might be of value to be aware of the process we normally go through. Then we can actually monitor our progress, realizing the process does end if we'll let it. They are, disagree (don't want to accept what happened), anger (how could this happen, etc.), bargaining (couldn't there have been a better alternative), depression and discouragement, and finally acceptance. While these are management tools for cases where changes are made with employees, the process of dealing with other emotional hurt is very similar. If there are those around you who know this, they can be a real asset to helping you through it to recovery. But now that you know it, you can better help yourself.

Then there are the "little" hurts. Solution: don't take yourself too seriously. Oops! Where does that fit into the subject. Well think about it for a minute. "How dare you say that to me!" Ever said or heard that one? The "me" is more of a problem than what was said! Sure, people can say some dumb and even hurtful things (and we're all a people). But once again, it can only hurt if we decide to let it! Too often, our own inflated importance brings us to the doorstep of the old allowing-personal-damage-to-happen-to-me building — a place we don't even need to visit. The writing above the door in big letters says, "The Halls of Self Importance."

Hurting is like rain, it happens. Sometimes it rains harder and longer than other times. Use your God given umbrella — choice! Once we can fully face the fact that we have a whole lot to say about how wet we'll let ourselves get, the better off we'll be. Yes, in a downpour and wind, it's hard to stay completely dry.   But let's use our umbrella!


Hmm, initially the thrust of this exercise was to simply talk about how we too often let the little things cause us to be hurt or offended and ways to deal with it. But emotional pain is so often an integral and even expansive part of our lives that many of the aspects of it came to mind and the keyboard did the rest. Kinda like the guy who wrote his friend a long letter, and at the end said he was sorry for not taking the time to write him a shorter letter. Sorry about that!